Newsletter #3
‘Am I normal?’ – The power of sharing experiences

Hi there!

'Am I normal?' – This is one of the most common questions coming up on The Vulva Gallery every day. It’s a profound question many of us ask ourselves when growing up. We're wondering if our bodies are normal. Living in a world that puts such a big emphasis on beauty, we question if someone will find us attractive. It can be a daunting task to accept ourselves (with all our ‘flaws’). 

When I started The Vulva Gallery I wanted to show that yes indeed, every vulva is ‘normal’ (whatever that may mean). That there’s beauty in our differences, and that in fact we have much more in common than we think. But as much as I wanted to share this positive message, I kept wondering: Who am I to tell you this? Why would you take my word for it? :)

“I want to become part of The Vulva Gallery!”
After about a year of running The Vulva Gallery on Instagram I started receiving messages from individuals who wanted to have their vulva portrait painted and share some words about how they relate to their vulva. I realised that this was actually a really good idea; after all, seeing a portrait of a vulva from a real person that looks similar to you and hearing how they came to accept their vulva can be immensely inspiring and comforting. Or even to hear people sharing how they are struggling to accept themselves can be as empowering. It can give a feeling of not being alone, and actually being normal. I still remember the times I recognised myself in someone else. Seeing myself represented (or hearing someone talk about how they overcame a struggle) was immensely inspiring and gave me a boost of self-confidence.

So this is how I started sharing vulva portraits and personal stories from people around the world and the response has been amazing. There’s a lot of power in recognising yourself in someone else’s story, and thinking: ‘Hey, that’s me, that’s how I feel too!’. Many of us aren’t used to speaking about our vulvas, but it can be very helpful to know that other people have the same kinds of experiences or insecurities.Sexual health education should be provided throughout children’s schooling; it should be a recurring element of their education, adjusted appropriately to their personal needs at different ages. We must teach kids about body diversity, mutual consent, safe and pleasurable sex, and open and respectful communication – and accompany this information with images illustrating body diversity. We can give the next generation the tools they need to develop a body-positive and respectful mindset, and we can help them become more confident and more resilient in the face of the influences of mainstream media or remarks by any of their uninformed peers.

The power of sharing experiences 
Our problems aren’t unique – in the best way possible. With this I mean that the things we feel and experience have very likely already been experienced by other people as well. That the shape of our body is, although very unique, more common than we’d like to think. That our feelings of insecurity are shared among millions of other individuals. And even though I wish we wouldn’t feel insecure at all; it’s part of being human – and knowing that others feel it too is very comforting.

For example, a community member shared this story on The Vulva Gallery a while back. It’s a great example of the positive effect of seeing yourself represented:

'The first time I realized that my vulva maybe doesn't look like the average was when I was a kid. But I didn't think about it and it wasn't an issue at that age. I however started to be ashamed about the way I looked when I had my first sex partners. They never said something bad about my intimate zone, but I started to think about how I look compared to others. I don't know the exact reason, but I felt like “I am not worth it, because I have not a beautiful vulva”. I've had a lot of mental fights with myself over the last years, but then I found The Vulva Gallery. I knew that nobody looks the same but until that point I didn't realize this. And I started to think a little bit different about my body. I am still struggling and I think I am not ‘perfect’ but I am beautiful, no matter what my shape is, how my pubic hair looks, how the red marks from shaving looks or whatever. I am not perfect, but I am beautiful.' – L, 19 years old

And in the past week two of the personal stories on Instagram shared a similar experience (‘A great and positive change’, ‘It has changed the definition of “normal” for me’) about how seeing yourself represented can improve how you feel about your vulva and how this can boost your confidence.

The power of imagery
Another powerful and inspiring story was shared with me a couple of years ago by Wilma Mathurin, a psychologist who showed my breast diversity illustrations to her client during a session. This is her story:

–

That one patient I'll never forget

(CW: mention of abuse)

One of the patients I'll never forget is Rose. This of course is not Rose's real name, but it's a fitting one.

One day Rose walked into my office and said: ‘Wilma, I've been thinking about our talk last week. And I've come to a revelation. I'm over 30, and for more than half of my life I've been a psychiatric patient. My parents always told me that my hips are too fat and that I'm not only crazy, but also ugly. Of course I don't like myself. I've never learned how to love myself or my body, because I've never gotten the chance to.’

I nodded, because I knew that she had been abused in her past. Before she met me she never talked about her own sexuality, and even worse; no one ever took the time to talk to her about her own sexuality and her own beauty.

She continued: ‘I couldn't do it’.
‘Do what?’ I asked, because I didn't know what she couldn't do and I thought she wanted to tell me more about her revelation.
‘Look at myself in the mirror.’
‘Why not?’ I asked, and then she answered: ‘I don't look like them.’
‘Like who?’ I'm a psychologist, not a mind reader, so I needed an explanation.
‘Porn stars. I don't have the same body as the people you see in porn, and I really don't like my breasts’.

We started talking about the concept ‘beauty’ and beauty being in the eye of the beholder. I wanted to show her photos, but she didn't want to see photos.
I asked her If I could let her see some art. She liked art.
I let her see the breast diversity illustration and asked her which person out of the ones on the art print probably loves their breasts the most. She studied every breast carefully and eventually she said: ‘I can't answer your question, because everyone has their own story and own views’.
I agreed, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
We continued our session.

A week later she stormed into my office and was smiling.
‘Wilma, I did it!’
I wondered why she and other people kept thinking that I could read their minds (🙂).
‘Did what?’
‘I looked at my breasts in the mirror! And you know what?! I liked what I saw! They are mine and I like them.’
She looked at me proudly and like a rose she bloomed.

In that moment I realized what Maya Angelou meant when she said: ‘In diversity there is beauty and there is strength.’”

– Wilma Mathurin, psychologist

Supplementary sex education
In The Vulva Gallery’s IG stories I asked you a question: 

'Did you ever have a supplementary source of sexual education other than school or parents, like a friend/sibling/cousin/book/magazine/internet etc, that influenced your view on your body/sexuality? What was the effect (positive/negative), and why?'

The answers you shared were diverse! Positive sources of education that came up were the internet: 'It got popular right as I hit puberty (11) and I looked up everything.'  Furthermore, blogs, social media and YouTube channels such as Sexplanations were mentioned as a positive resource as well.

Analog resources played a big part in your sexual education too, such as special sections in magazines: 'Sealed section in a teen magazine. Took the taboo out of talking about sex/fingering/masturb/oral, etc.'. The experiences you shared about books were quite mixed. Some of you were very positive: 'When I was 10 (?) my mom got me a book about puberty/sex and it was amazing!!!'. Some of you shared that the books were lacking in content: 'I had books as a resource. Most were helpful, but some of them reinforced stereotypes.' 

Next to written resources, there were some of you who had people around who you could talk to, and positive experiences with seeing diversity around you also came up: 'As a family we always spent our holiday at nude beaches. So I got a very realistic idea of human bodies.'

Always be critical towards your sources
These experiences show that there are various wonderful resources out there that can inform (young) individuals about sexuality and their bodies. At the same time, these resources can provide both positive and negative information – it’s important to be careful and mindful about the resources you choose (or, for example, share with your kid). All of the resources mentioned above can be great, but they may lack in diversity and inclusivity.

Let’s normalise talking about our bodies
I believe it’s important to normalise talking about sexual health-related topics, as they are things we all cope with on a daily basis. We need to be able to talk to other people, as sharing our experiences and listening to the stories of others can give a feeling of belonging, support and confidence. We shouldn’t feel ashamed about things that are so natural and part of what makes us human. It’s comforting to know that your body is normal – and that the things you might be struggling with are things others struggle with as well. To be reminded that you are not weird. That you are not alone.

We can make a start by opening up a conversation about these topics, as they concern us all. There are multiple ways of doing this; by watching videos online (this YouTube playlist by Dr. Lindsey Doe has some great videos), reading books (such as Come As You Are or The Wonder Down Under or visiting educational websites and social media platforms (some favourites of mine are Come Curious, Shrimpteeth, Hannah Witton, Giving The Talk and Sexpositive Families). Another way to open up conversation is in the form of play: the Vulva Quartet Game can be an easy going and fun conversation starter within families or between friends.

Choose whichever form fits you best – together we can make a change by sharing knowledge and boosting confidence in people from a young age on. Let’s normalise talking about these topics together, and turn the taboo into a safe space for everyone! ✨

QUESTION - Do you have positive resources you’d like to recommend? Share them with me! I’d love to include a bunch of your recommendations in the upcoming newsletter :)

Share your ideas!
My next newsletter will come out in a month! I’m curious about the topics you would like me to touch upon in one of the upcoming editions. Please feel free to share your ideas with me :)

Oh, and I would love it if you’d share my newsletter with others! Do you have a friend, sibling, lover, family member, therapist, or anyone else that you feel would be interested in all things vulva? Please don’t hesitate to forward this newsletter and help me spread vulva-positivity around the world ✨

Till next time,

Hilde xx